Simon Woods: I don't know much about wine but I know what I like (new edition)

Simon Woods lives in Saddleworth close to the rugged Pennines. His approach to wine education and advice is equally rugged and gritty. Simon belongs to the school of wine writing where there is little point in calling something a spade when you can call it a shovel!

He is also properly fond of puns.  

The book was first published by Mitchell Beazley in 2003. This new edition is published by Simon himself, which is just another illustration of some of the changes in book publishing over the past decade or so. The new edition includes details on wine apps and the return of wine bars. It can be yours for £7.99 and is available through simonwoods.com/product/idkm/.

Only 144 pages short I don't know much about wine but I know what I like is full of good, no-nonsense advice distilled down to the essence. There are 52 brief chapters – akin to spirit shots. Actually there are 53 if you include .... and to finish .....

Some examples: 

Special offers

Simon castigates the tendency of large wine companies to make wines specially for price promotions. Wines that will be sold for £9.99 for much of the year. Then promoted down to £6.99 or even £4.99. 

'This begs the question was it really a £10 wine in the first place?

'Answer no. Moreover, where such promotions were once rare occurrences, they now dominate supermarket shelves.' 

Serving temperatures   

'I'm always suspicious of wines that say "serve well chilled'. 

Such wines if served warmer 'it tastes foul'.

'The bottom line is this.

Most red wine is served too warm, 

most white wine is served too cold. 

glass act

What to look for in a glass 

'5. It should be dishwasher proof. No real wine reason for this – I'm just lazy.'

Spitting

'If you want to practice spitting, lie in the bath and aim for your ankles. When you stop getting complaints from the folks in the downstairs apartment, you've cracked it.'